Prompt #6: Peeling back the onion layers...

I have actually been on a date recently with someone who I initially saw as being quite different from me, not only in his personality but also in his mannerisms, culture, preferences, and many other aspects of his life.  My first impression of him was mainly based on my first encounter with him as well as what I had heard about him from other people that had known him for longer than I did.  Although they described him as dependable, very social, amiable, and always willing to lend a helping hand to a fellow friend in need, they also mentioned that he could come off seeming like a player at times, enjoyed teasing others a lot, being all around mischievous, and could sometimes be seen as a little pompous.  And so when I first met him, I already had all these pre-judgments about him just because people had said so much, so although he definitely was a bit of all of those qualities, I think the stories that my friends had told me about him only helped amplify and maybe exaggerate my impression that he fulfilled all those negative characteristics really well. Especially as I ran into him more often and I started noticing that he kept making comments complimenting me on how I looked if I was wearing something nice that day,  I would just attribute it to his sociable, naturally gregarious personality and laugh it off as a joke because I never thought I would be at all attracted to him because he was so different from me. But because we had work together this year and got to interact a lot more than we did last year (proximity and the mere-exposure effect at work!), I began to find myself seeing more and more of his positive sides and learning other aspects about him that I had never known before that started to make him seem more attractive in my eyes.  For example I found it really interesting to see how he efficiently he could read people and be able to strike up a conversation with almost any stranger we came across! I suppose it is interesting and ironic that the part of his character that I admire the most about him is his ability to excel in the very thing I am terrible at- being able to speak comfortably and confidently in front of many people and having the ability to read other people's emotions and easily connect to their thoughts.  
     In terms of "love style" however, I would have to say that we are both very different and when we do talk about relationships in general, I can tell we are often on different wavelengths and are seeking different types of romantic relationships.  While he has a Ludus style of loving because he is very playful and puts on a much more joking, playful mask before you get to know him more, I have a more Storge style of loving because I like to focus on really getting to know the other person, and understanding everything about them before entering into an official relationship.  I guess I have always felt that your boyfriend or significant other should also technically be like your best friend of the opposite sex because you should be able to be yourself in front of them and be able to talk to them about anything in your life.  So I always thought that my first relationship would grow out of an initial stable friendship. But because he has a more Ludic style of loving and we don't always connect with each other in terms of our relationship interests, I don't know if we would work out even if we tried going out for a bit... oh well I suppose only time will tell.

Chap 10: Friends will change and that's okay

Friendship is really one of the most interesting relationships because it is so non-exclusive and be applied to anyone, in any situation, at anytime.  Because I can be very social at times, I have found that I am one of those people that really likes befriending other people and can become acquainted with people very quickly.  In terms of the five necessary elements of friendship I guess you could say I am better at fulfilling the first three requirements (willingness to invest, emotional connection through dialogue, and acceptance of the other's thoughts and feelings) than I am the last two (trust or the ability to be confident that the other person will be dependable and do what they say they will do, and support or the willingness to be available and listen to each other's problems).  When I was younger, I had incidences in the past when a few friends betrayed my trust so ever since then I feel like I've always been a bit wary at getting very close or self-disclosing much to people. It's easy for me to be the average "Oh hi! I met you the other day didn't I? How are you doing?" acquaintance to people who are friends with me, but it is sometimes very difficult for me to become close friends to people because I don't like self-disclosing much information.  However, in high school, I actually did end up having three or four very close friends and so I think having the length of time that we did over the four years was what really brought us together and allowed me to self disclose more to them, to trust them, and support them.  And vice versa I was able to gain their trust and support whenever I was going through difficult times during high school.  However now in college, I can definitely see the friendships I had in high school undergoing external sources of tension- especially when none of us can find time to meet up during winter break because universities in the north have such different schedules and everybody comes back home at a different time or has different family vacation plans, new jobs, and more! As we went over in class, these competing demands of family vacations, new jobs, new universities, new friends and more, as well as the geographic distance of their schools, all cost a certain amount of time investment and have definitely caused us to drift apart in these last two years.  However, because we all unknowingly drifted apart over the years as we got more involved in our own immediate college lives, I think it wasn't a bad "waning friendship" but more of an unconscious agreement and change between all of us as our life circumstances changed.

Prompt #5: Yes! Blowing up at each other can actually be good...

Sometimes I can be a difficult friend to get a hold of because of my busy schedule and tendency to want to get to know everyone or talk to different people all the time (which helps with being an RA on my hall but definitely doesn’t help in keeping contact with my close friends).  And recently with many projects and tests coming up in these past few weeks, it has been very difficult to space out my time evenly and devote time not only to my studies, but also my personal fitness life (I try to run every day or at least four times a week… “try” is the key word) and social life with my friends, residents, and everyday acquaintances.  Because one of my close friends had more time in his schedule as he had less tests that week, he really wanted to hang out and talk about some personal issues he had been having that week.  Unfortunately for me, I also happened to have three big tests and two projects due in that same week, so I was feeling very burdened and didn’t have any time to sit down for a long talk.  However I didn’t want to hurt his feelings as well by saying something abrupt like, “I’m really sorry I just don’t have time for you this week” so whenever he would text or call me about hanging out, I would come up with various excuses to avoid being able to meet with him this week because I had so much work to do.  Unfortunately that actually backfired and really ended up escalating our situation and the rockiness of our friendship.  In addition, he has a rather passive aggressive attitude towards conflicts. So although he reacted courteously to my excuses and even wished me good luck with my work, at the end of the week it was game over.  He finally blew up in a sudden escalation moment while telling me about all the doubts he had had about our relationship because of the way I had been treating him that week.  He almost used a sudden death statement as well saying that he was very close to breaking off our friendship completely because he did not feel like I was putting in as much effort into our friendship as he was (loss of equality based on the social benefits theory of equal benefits and costs in a relationship).  I’ve always been good at getting to know many people but never good at keeping in touch constantly so that I can understand the individual better.  In looking back at my past friendships, I realized much of the time I had only stayed or become close to my best friends because that friend had been very good at reaching out to me all the time.  So afterwards when we finally calmed down, I felt that we were able to use the voice response to really work things out and reach a win-win solution.  He realized that I sometimes needed time alone just to do work and couldn’t always be open to talk to him, while I realized I should be more honest in my communication with him and be willing to listen to his problems as well.  So this conflict overall really helped improve our friendship since because we were able to understand each other’s sides and thoughts better. Thus in this situation, the competition that occurred (the escalation, and sudden death statement) was actually an appropriate response to our conflict because it brought the problem out to the open and allowed us to be more honest to each other about the problems we were having with each other.  

Chap 9: Hey, I like conflict!

Although most people don't think conflicts are good because they can bring a lot of pain as well as understanding to a relationship, I actually really enjoyed reading this chapter because I feel that, if you can look past the pain, conflicts can be really constructive and helpful to better understanding each person's perspective in a relationship.  Conflicts mean that the communication line is at least open or attempting to be more open.  As humans we all have our ups and downs, good days and bad days, so conflict is really inevitable, even in the most perfect of relationships.  What can be changed is the way we approach and deal with conflict when it arises- whether we tend to avoid conflict, or eagerly incite it, or keep a passive aggressive distance between you and the other person by pretending to be fine when you're really not. For myself, I personally feel that my own family has a lot to learn about conflict because I feel that I observe us often avoiding or suppressing the things we are dissatisfied with about each other until something big happens or an emergency occurs.  For example, in my family  according to our zodiac animals, my mom is actually a Tiger, while the rest of us are almost like her prey: I'm a chicken, my brother is a sheep, and my father is monkey.  While I love my mother and the advice she's always giving me is 9 out of 10 times right, I do feel that sometimes she can be overly dominating in our household and sometimes be unwilling to see other people's sides of an argument.  If she is upset, she'll probably be upset for a good amount time and not much reasoning or cajoling will change that.  In contrast my father opts for the more avoidance technique when it comes to conflicts, and often uses the exit response when it comes to conflicts between himself and my mom.  Rather than argue over an issue if she's not listening or having any of the other side, he will go to work or back to his computer to finish projects.  So I feel that if we had more civilized, open, reasonable debates over some of our family issues, and used the voice response to directly address and attempt to resolve the issues, we would all be able to feel a lot more satisfied with our family structure and our relationships to each other.  And in the end it's the people you argue with that you truly care about because if you use the voice response correctly, you'll be able to not only express your own views but hear out their views and thus promote natural open communication.

Chap 8: The Power of Communication Climates

Communication climates are definitely interesting aspects of our everyday communication that we have to deal with but often don't consciously take in its presence.  I really liked how this chapter linked specific communication climates and confirming/disconfirming communication styles with the general elements that are essential to having a healthy interpersonal relationship in any context- whether it be between you and your friends, you and your family, or you and your significant other. The three basic levels of building a positive, confirming relationship with others (recognition, acknowledgement, and finally acceptance) are truly key to any relationship and can be applied to any situation I believe because we all want to be recognized, acknowledged, accepted and just overall valued by the people that matter the most to us.  But if we don't respect them with the same three confirming levels of communication then the interaction cannot be improved as neither is willing to support the other by changing their communication styles.  I feel like I actually saw this a lot in the interactions two of my best friends had during our last summer in middle school.  In looking at the situation now and how their argument escalated and their friendship eventually waned quickly after at the end of the summer, I can really see how dialectical tensions and their unconscious preference for disconfirming communication played a key part in their inability to effectively communicate with each other.  Both girls had strong opinions and were unwilling to back down on any of their views whenever they got into heated debates- that sometimes they even drew the whole lunch table in on! Because of their individual strong opinions, each girl kept using the certainty method of disconfirming communication to claim that their side was the correct, better option and to refuse to even hear out the other side (in contrast to the confirming communication method provisionalism, where one communicates openness to all points of view).  Eventually because both of them were using such disconfirming attitudes to communicate with each other, they had a full out blown up conflict at the end of the summer that was mostly a build up based on their inability to listen to each other effectively and really move past the initial recognition and acknowledgment stages of relationships.

Chap 7: Different cultures, different emotional expectations...

After going through this chapter in class and reading Chapter 7's points and examples regarding the role our emotions often plan in our ability to communicate effectively and appropriately in various situations, I actually felt that I could relate to a lot of the issues discussed in this chapter.  One of the aspects in this chapter that I found I was able relate very well to was the term emotion work, or our effort to generate what we think are appropriate feelings in particular situations that we face every day.  In specific I really understood the conflict they described on page 176 about the influence that cultures have on our interpretation of emotion work in various situations because each culture has different social standards for expressing one's emotions.  Researcher Kimberly Gangwish (1999) found that many first generation Asian American women face a difficult situation of "living in two worlds" in terms of expressing their emotions because the standards for expressing emotion in many Asian cultures are so very different from American standards and expectations.  The example provided especially rang true for me because it echoed my own experiences in class as a child.  Whereas many Asian classrooms have very rigid communication rules (the teacher is usually lecturing for most of class and students are supposed to be very quiet and never speak out during class as that could be seen as a sign of disrespect for one's elders), classrooms in America are the exact opposite!  Here participation, questions, and comments by the students during the class are highly encouraged and children as young as first or even kindergarten can receive participation grades for how outspoken and inquisitive they are during class. Basically the two cultures have different perceived ideas of students are seen to be actively engaged and learning in class: in Asian culture students are thought to study best when they are quiet, attentive, respond quickly when called upon by the teacher, and are able to absorb the information and understand it that they can write effectively about it on tests and essays.  To be too outspoken is often seen as a sign of disrespect.  In contrast, in American culture, a student is perceived to be actively engaging in learning the material if they constantly ask questions, speak out often during class, and are very vocal about their ideas.  Because I had originally been brought up in that Asian culture style of being quiet in front of elders and only speaking up when an elder addressed me first, I felt like I was at a great disadvantage in the American schools as a child.  Since I was so used to keeping my thoughts to myself and expressing my understanding of the material through writing rather than interactive discussions, I was often marked down as a child in my participation grades because American teachers felt that I was too shy and not contributing enough ideas during class time.  Even today, I still worry about whether or not I am participating enough because I still have a lot to improve on in terms of doing emotion work to cultivate a confidence to express all my thoughts in front of the class and repress the feeling that I am doing something wrong in vocally expressing my opinions.

Prompt # 4: Help! My EQ is low

I really feel that my emotional intelligence varies in different situations and with different people.  Sometimes I will meet people for the first time and in one minute of finding something in common with each other we will just click and become best buddies, chattering away like nothing.  But then there are other times that I have met people who I just can't seem to read at all or find something in common to talk about.  I always struggle in those instances because it seems that no matter how hard I try to start up the conversation, there just isn't that spark of interest that keeps a normal conversation going so everything dries up into a long awkward silence.  Thus over the years, as I have interacted with more and more people, I have tried to see why I am able to instantly connect with some people I meet in the most randomest of places, and why I can't do the same with other people and end up in awkward silences with them. In doing so, I realized that my level of emotional intelligence is actually lower than I had originally thought it to be as I had the most difficult time connecting to people who were most different from me or who seemed to perceive themselves as being very different from me.
I sometimes wonder if my low emotional intelligence was greatly influenced by childhood as a single child.  As a child I spent a lot of time by myself at home and enjoyed reading books and playing games by myself because both my parent had to work full time when I was young. My parents are actually very conservative ( in fact now that I think about it I don't think I have ever seen them kiss in public, or much at home... I only see it in past pictures) and I guess you could almost say,they are more conservative, and shy in expressing their emotions.  I think it is partially due to their own shy, more traditional personalities, and partially due to the more reserved nature of expressing one's emotions in Asian culture.  Although they are not extremely verbally expressive about their emotions, I feel that they are still able to express them in other nonverbal ways through helping out each other with chores, errands, and small gifts throughout the year. So even though we don't say "I love you" all the time like many expressive families often do, we still have our own ways to express how much we care for each other.
   However besides my family's influence on the way I interpret other's emotions, I have also realized that my low level of emotional intelligence could also be a result of my own difficulty in identifying my own emotions at times.  Usually I can tell what emotion I am feeling, but sometimes it becomes difficult when I have a mix of two different feelings and I overlook one emotion or try to suppress a negative angry emotion when I am frustrated or out in a public setting.  To prevent myself from expressing such counterproductive emotions through rash statements that could potentially damage my relationships with people (sudden death statements, etc.), I should practice the rational emotive approach by engaging in emotion work or self-talk.