Prompt #3: Dysfunctional listening

Journal Prompt #3

1.    Identify a recent situation when your listening suffered. Apply the listening model to examine the nature of the problem that affected your listening.

     When I first started volunteering at a pharmacy, I really enjoyed it but there was one incident I remember clearly in which I wish I could have improved my listening skills.  It was the day after I had first had my orientation session, so I was excited but also a bit nervous of what to expect.  During my volunteer shift, the phone call line suddenly got extremely busy, and before I knew it, there were phone calls coming in every other minute. Although I felt quite overwhelmed, I tried to answer them as best as I could.  Unfortunately I apparently was more nervous than I realized because while trying to write down an in-store customer's name and birth-date, I messed up the on-call customer's name and prescription number and had to call him back to have him repeat it for me.  Thus I was probably undergoing message overload in which I was trying to listen to too many forms of communication at once and became overwhelmed and thus unable to accurately process both messages.  In addition, the background music in the store, the chatting of the in-store customers, and other distracting noises did not help much with my ability to hear the phone calls. I ended up having to ask customers to repeat their names several times before I was able to correctly write down their names and requested refill prescriptions.  Overall I was facing many external obstacles (message complexity because I was unfamiliar with the drug prescriptions, message overload because so many people called in at once, and noise because the background music and chatter) as well as internal obstacles (preoccupied by my own nervousness), and so needless to say I did not have a fantastic first day there.  I was very worried that the pharmacist would not let me back to volunteer, but luckily, she had a lot of patience and understood the difficulties of the situation I was in then. So I have been able to still go back and volunteer since then!

    In addition a friend of mine sent me this story below and I found it to be very interesting because I was able to analyze it in terms of the listening model, especially in terms of how well the father listens to his son (he frequently resorts to prejudgment) and how he benefits from his own reevaluation of his listening skills when he goes to truly listen to his son for the second time.  
   SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do.

"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. 

   

   Thus this story really shows how the father's prejudgment clouded his ability to truly listen to his son's request.  Because he felt that he already knew what his son was going to say when he asked for the money, he just cut him off without first fully listening to his son's request.  In addition, because the father works so hard for his money, "money," "how much he makes in an hour," and "toys and gifts" are probably some trigger words/phrases that are emotionally loaded for the father.  These phrases may summon up negative feelings and images for the father because he wants to provide for family and give his children money for toys, but is be unable to due to his low salary.  In the situation though, the father was wise in reevaluating his emotional reaction to become a mindful listener. His experience can show us that even if we do not listen well the first time, if we are willing to open up we can still become a better, more mindful listener the second time.

Chap 6: Listening- the lost art of this century

    I really enjoyed the "telephone" experiment we did in class for this chapter! Not only was the story itself quite amusing (as well as the ensuing confusion over whether or not the girl or guy fell into the water or if both did so), but having it retold by multiple people passing on the story to each other really showed how stories can literally get paraphrased, shortened greatly, and even morphed to tell a different tale. It all just depends on how one listens to the story from the speaker, interprets it, and expresses it to the next person they see.  It is akin to being "lost in translation" but by "translation" we don't mean different languages necessarily, but rather different interpretations that individuals have about what they hear based on their own background they bring to the table, as well as how closely they really listen to what the speaker is saying.  Through this experience and my own aversion for creating misunderstandings, I have decided to reflect on my own listening skills and take everything with a bit of a grain of salt- rather than trusting everything my friends tell me or everything in the news reports, I should really question the situation, and seek to actively listen to the speaker in order to understand all the details and the full meaning of what they are trying to convey.  The biggest misconception that society tells us about listening is that is a passive activity. But clearly, as our classroom activity and the discussions in the textbook show, it is anything but passive. If you want to learn how to listen well, you need to commit considerable time and energy in order to become truly skilled at the active process of listening.  

   In terms of social relationships, I feel that listening better will really benefit not only my relationships with my close friends, but also with other peers, coworkers, residents, and more.  Truthfully speaking, I'd say that listening is one of the lost arts of the century- especially in this decade when there are so many ways people can be distracted, so much that people have to do, and so many issues running through peoples' minds every second of the day.  Some people, like many businessmen and women in New York, are used to living their life in the fast lane, always fast-walking from here to there, earphone in ear, blackberry in one hand, coffee in the other, always working on the go.  As a college student I feel a bit like that too- there's always more stuff I should or could be doing.  If I'm not doing homework, then shouldn't I be applying for an internship, or a scholarship, or improving my own lifestyle to include more fitness and healthy eating, or learning a new language? There is just always too much stuff on my to-do list! But in comparison to all these activities that we generally consider as active, we don't put as much value into taking the time to listen carefully to others because we don't regard it as an active process.  I feel like we have this misconception that it's an easy passive activity because we ourselves aren't doing anything obvious with our bodies.  However, we actually are- although it is mainly in our brains where we must actively pay attention and process what the speaker is saying.  But because it's mistakenly viewed as such a passive activity, we tend to think we can "multitask" while listening to others (ex: knitting, typing, checking facebook, checking texts, looking outside, and more are all activities people commonly do when they "listen" to others talk) and still retain much of the information that the speaker is saying.  This type of listening is actually known as "pseudolistening" and is one of the many forms of nonlistening. Thus to improve my own listening skills and avoid falling into the traps of nonlistening, I hope to first correct my misconception of listening as simply a "passive" process.  By recognizing it as an active process I plan to use the tips given in the book and in class (from adapting your listening to the speaker's style and purpose of talking, to organizing what is being said to you into meaningful categories) to hopefully slowly practice becoming a better listener to the people around me. 
    I also really liked the book's use of the traditional Chinese character for "to listen/ listening" (pg 144) to describe all the aspects that encompass effective listening because each smaller component within the larger character stands for something that is essential to listening (聽 Tīng (to listen) = 心 Xīn (heart) + 耳ěr (ears) +目mù (eyes)).  This is one way that written language really reflects the true nature of listening and all that it encompasses. 

Chap 5: My body is betraying me!

    I thought this was by far one of the most interesting chapters we have ever talked about simply because it is so inherent in our everyday lives.  Yet it also so easily overlooked (and often overshadowed) by the importance society places on verbal communication and the power of words to change people's thoughts (rather than the power being seen as an overall combination of the speaker's good looks, commanding tone, engaging body language, and finally the message or content of his/her speech).  Personally I know I have a lot to improve on in terms of body language. For example, as Dr. Murray pointed out in class, my unconscious hair-touching is a funny habit that I have never noticed much but that I now realize - after reading this chapter- could also be distracting for others as they watch me talk in front of class. And subsequently this nonverbal motion could also take away from their ability to pay attention to the overall message I am trying to convey through my actual words. In addition, I notice that when I do give speeches or presentations, I never know quite what to do with my hands. I also tend to slouch a bit in my posture and not give off as confident of an aura as I would like to give off.  So little nonverbal body language aspects like these two all add up and can greatly impact other people's first impressions of me, as well as their ability to taken in what I am saying - whether it be through a large public speech, or just a one-on-one conversation.
  One of the most interesting examples of nonverbal communication and its immense power (or potential to make you cry) was a link I found while browsing the web one day. The link depicts the nonverbal exchange between two performance artists Marina Abramovic and Ulay (Frank Uwe Laysiepen) and their first reunion after many years at her silent performance exhibit "The Artist is Present" http://www.buzzfeed.com/aaronc13/the-reunion-of-these-two-artists-will-make-you-cry-40wl  (http://youtu.be/pziHssaMqj4 gives more of a background about the basis of her 3 month exhibit where hoped to make "performance becomes life itself")

  Pressing on the video on that page (http://youtu.be/XNcWRbh8wQA)

 and actually watching their entire exchange makes one really realize the power of body language and the message it can convey: so many messages were displayed in just that one look of her eye, the rapid filling of her tears, the almost whimsical tilt of his head. From just those few seconds of nonverbal communication, it really gave me chills to see how deeply you could sense their relationship (which must have been something seeing that each walked from separate ends of the Great Wall of China to meet each other when they finally agreed to end their relationship).

   In addition I really like the "mini test" on page 139 in the textbook under "Everyday Application" because it addresses many nonverbal actions that we do in everyday life but don't often realize we do.  More importantly, these unconscious actions can often convey a message to our audience based on our stance, tone, facial expression, bodily movements, self-touching movements, and more.  I feel like the fact that it addresses specific examples and brings those to our attention is good as well, because once we are aware of it, we can have more control over our body language and will know to take these nonverbal cues seriously- whether or not we are unintentionally displaying them to others who may be very sensitive to nonverbal cues, or we are on the receiving end of watching and trying to interpret someone's bodily cues to sense their true attitude towards us.

Chap 4: The Power of Words

    I really like the technique of indexing that the book talks about because I believe it is particularly relevant to how others communicate our own faults to us, as well as how we communicate others' faults to them.  I like to say I'm more of an optimist (well most of the time- you know we can't all be optimists 24/7, that's why venting was invented!) and that my favorite mottoes are: "Good people bring out the good in others," "Where there's will, there's way," "Thomas Edison made anywhere from 1,000 to 10,000 mistakes before he found the light bulb that worked, as he says: 'If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.'" So when people talk about other quotes that are also true of human nature, but lean more towards the pessimistic side ("Old habits die hard," "The first time you quit, it's hard. The second time, it gets easier. The third time, you don't even have to think about it," "Past actions are the best predictors of future actions," "The difference between real life and movies is that there is no rewind button..." ""If anything can go wrong, it will" "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence therefore, is not an act, but a habit"(Aristotle)), I get a bit depressed and worried if it may really be impossible at times to improve aspects of ourselves that we want to change.  
    However, I felt that this chapter made a very interesting point in the fact that words and the way we use them through verbal communication can be very powerful in shaping our beliefs and empowering us to change a certain aspect of our behavior. Rather than judging someone solely on a static evaluation (ex: "Ann is and will always be a selfish girl") we should understand that it is still possible for people to change their behavior and reform their ways for the better, although it takes much effort, commitment, and determination.  
    So instead of forming very rigid judgmental statements about people, it is important to recognize that people often can and will change. To apply this to verbal communication: instead of saying "Ann is and will always be a selfish girl," it would be better to use the technique of indexing to say "Ann on the task committee acted selfishly."  Although this may seem like a small and rather slight change, this phrasing can actually make all the difference for someone who is looking for support from others in his/her process to change his/her behavior.  Personally I still struggle a lot with being organized because I tend to pack things into drawers and forget to organize their contents when I am busy with school.  But I still try to clean up and organize things in my room as much as I can during times when I am not so busy with schoolwork.  Yet, whenever my parents mention my room, they tend to use static evaluations all the time: "Melody! You're room is always so messy! Clean it today!" These static statements tend ot generate a hopelessness that I sometimes feel with my ability to organize my room. Because even when I do clean my room, they often still say "Oh it looks good now, but next week it'll probably be messy again."  Now that I have learned this better method of indexing to classify an event as a singular event that can be still be changed in the future, I hope talking to my parents about this method will help make them more aware of the influence of the words they use and encourage them to start using more indexing language.

Chap 3- How to correct your perceptions (a DIY that unique for each person!)

    My first meeting with one of my best and closest friends that I have ever had was a unconventional situation.  Despite its interesting circumstances, after reading this chapter on perception, all I can say is that I am very grateful that I did not rashly go with my first perception of her and solely judge her on that initial impression I had.
   The first time I met my friend, Tanya, was when we were in middle school. We were sitting in the back of orchestra class on the second day of school  and if you know anything about orchestra, or being a classic musician, you know that back row seating is like DEATH... ok I jest. It's not that bad and in larger, well-known orchestras where there is hard competition and tough-as-heck auditions to get into the ranks (like All-State, AYSO Atlanta Youth Symphony Orchestra, etc.), even sitting in the back (within the wings of the stage ... sometimes you're literally hidden there!) can be an honor because everyone else ahead of you is so skilled. However, this was no All-State Orchestra and as a well-versed violin player who had climbed the ranks to second chair in her elementary school orchestra (ok, ok, so we only had 15 people total and only 7 of those were in the violin section to begin with... but I was still 2nd chair), I was worried that I would condemned to the back and could clearly hear from my surroundings that not everyone was a fantastic player here.
    Especially the girl who was currently being my stand-partner at the time.
    At that time she simply kept staring at me with these huge, fearful eyes and looking from me, back to her instrument, and back again.  I thought it was a bit odd for the first five minutes, but then shrugged and continued practicing and tuning my instrument to be ready for the beginning of class.  In the midst of all the hub-a-hub of everyone chatting and instruments being tuned, I finally heard a quiet voice from my right say, "Um ... do you know why my bow doesn't work?"
     So for any string instrument player, one of the key components to playing is maintaining one's bow by constantly rosining it to ensure that it has enough friction to make contact with the strings on the instrument. With this friction, it will not just glide over, but actually grip and pull them to make the vibrations that make music. So in response to her question, I picked up her bow, examined it, and said, "Oh, you just need to get it rosined!"
    But then her response was, "Umm... I'm so sorry.... but what is rosin?" By now I was laughing a bit inside because she seemed so clueless and reminded  me of myself on my first day of orchestra back in 5th grade.  So I proceeded to explain to her how to use rosin while I let her rosin her bow with my rosin block.  Yet, even after rosining it, when we tried to pull the bow over her strings the second time, still no noise came out of her violin! By this time I was a bit exasperated as I didn't feel like I had enough time to worry about other people's troubles because I had my own worries to think about with the seating auditions coming up.  But I still felt sorry for her difficulties so I tried to teach her a crash course on the basics of reading music and which notes corresponded to which string on the violin.  Finally at the end of class I remember leaving while thinking to myself, gosh, she's currently at such a beginner level that I don't think she'll be to catch up with the rest of us.
   Now, as I look back on this 8 years later, I realize how wrong I was to perceive her in that way and how glad I am that my initial misconception of her didn't prevent us from becoming close friends over the year and  best friends ever since.  What I ended up quickly finding out after that day, was that, what she lacked in experience, she made up for in her drive and determination to succeed. After practicing her violin for at least 3-5 times a week for 6 months, she was able to rise in the the orchestral seating ranks from her seat in the very back of the 2nd violin section, to the front of the section- essentially becoming the leader of the entire 2nd violin section! From this experience, I was able to correct my initial perception and see her not as a bumbling first time violin player, but as who she truly was: a determined, eager musician.
   Thus after reading Chapter 3, I have been able to better analyze why my initial perception of her was so incorrect and how I can improve my future perceptions of others to be more accurate. I especially really liked the textbook's discussion on "checking your perceptions," because in reflecting on my experience with Tanya, I realize I unconsciously did check my initial perception of her.  By seeing her every day in  class and being slowly exposed to other aspects of her, especially her ability to really commit to her goal of learning the violin, I was able to check my initial negative perception of her and realize she was a lot more than what I had originally perceived her to be!

Prompt #2: Stereotypical stereotypes that stereotypical people stereotype me with

Journal Prompt #2

1.  How are you most likely stereotyped? What characteristics of the stereotype would be generally true about you? What characteristics would be completely untrue? What does this tell you about the role of stereotyping in communicating with other?

   One of the stereotypes that I find most hilarious is that almost 9 out of 10 people that I talk to all believe that I was not born or raised here in the United States.  I didn’t notice it as much as a child, but coming to college (perhaps because there is more of an international student base here and a greater possibility for me to originate from an Asian country rather than from the US), I’ve grown interested in posing the question to people: “So, what place do you think I was born in?”  And 9 times out of 10 I’ve gotten the answer, “China?” or  “Taiwan silly!” (if they know me well).
   I remember the first few times I heard this response a lot, I would get offended and then ask “What? Really? Do you mean I have an accent when I speak English?” And people usually had to pause and think about that for a bit before they replied.  Although most people eventually reply no to that question, they do say I have a unique way of talking ("...you can be rather high-pitched when you're excited.... it's almost anime-like?" "....you just talk in beeps and boops" "...it's sound effects. That's all I can say.").  Personally I think my unique voice is more of a funny feature of my personality that I've come to embrace over the years, rather than being any result of my Taiwanese background.  However, I do think my Asian culture has somewhat influenced the development of my voice and my mannerisms because in some aspects I am quite Asian and do identify a lot of my interests in Asian culture.  For example, because I have always been close to my relatives in Taiwan, especially the cousins that are of the same-age as me, they often introduce Chinese music and singers to me. And so I have grown up with this Asian influence and I guess I have unconsciously incorporated it into my own way of talking and expressing myself.
    However, that does not mean that I am not interested in American culture as well! So what is completely untrue about this Asian FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) stereotype about me is that I don't like any American foods, music, or culture in general.  In fact, people are always very surprised to hear that growing up I used to listen solely to country music stations because I enjoyed the peaceful, carefree messages in them (except for the Honky-tonk songs). Singers from Martina McBride, Tim McGraw, nad Rascal Flatts used to top my playlist all the time. In fact, when Taylor Swift first came out on the country radio station, I was actually a fan of her debut song, "Tim McGraw" after I first heard it on the radio.  In addition, I also enjoy camping, something that none of my city-dwelling Taiwanese relatives have ever liked, but it is an activity my friends in America have always loved going on and eventually convinced me to love as well.
   Because of these stereotypes that people have about me, I feel that they prejudge what they think I like or what they think they might have in common with me.  For example, instead of inviting me to a burger place or a mexican restaurant, people who don't know me well often assume I like Asian food first and not American or any other type of ethnic food. In reality, I actually often prefer Mexican and Italian food over Asian food because I eat so much of it at home and in Taiwan.  In addition when people talk to me, they often ask me about Taiwanese culture and the Taiwanese Mandarin language spoken there. Although I do have some knowledge about both of these aspects, because I was not born in Taiwan and have lived and gone to American schools all my life, I am actually not such an expert on those subjects.  Most of what I have learned about Taiwanese culture has been through what my parents have tried to teach me at home.  Thus I'm really an American born Taiwanese at heart that loves to embrace both the American and Taiwanese cultures that make up my background.
   But being aware of this stereotype that people have of me (as a native born Taiwanese person), have definitely shown me how people's impressions can have a large impact on the way they interact with me.  In addition it's made me more aware that they may have certain preconceptions about me so I try to address that upfront (for example, by posing the first question about my birth and seeing if they can answer that, as well as showing other sides of myself to them). More importantly I try to ensure that those stereotypes they have of me don't deter them from finding out who I truly am as a multi-faceted individual.

Chap 2: How to love thy self and journey from your actual to your ideal self

   So imagine me as an angry little kindergarten student: angry little Melody, crossing her arms, with her boy short pixie cut, huffin' and puffin' with tears in my eyes as I stomp home because I got a "U" (cue dramatic "dun, dun, DUN!") on my first report card. Yep. That happened to me in kindergarten. I got my first "Unsatisfactory" in the Participation for not raising my hand enough and speaking up in class.  At that time my own thoughts were: so what if I didn't speak up so much in class or feel the need to raise my hand as much? So maybe I was a just quiet kid who liked to think before I talked! But inside, I was really fuming mad at myself for not being as social as other kids or as courageous and willing to put myself out there in front of the class to say something, or anything at all.
    At home I was always an only child growing up (my younger brother didn't come until I was 10 years old; so we never had many sibling fights because he was a boy and ten years younger), so I never had to raise my voice to be heard, or compete for any attention when I was young. But transferring from that environment, to the chaos of kindergarten was kind of intimidating to me and caused me to lose a lot of confidence in interacting with large groups of people and talking in front of the entire class.  I was much more comfortable observing others, than I was being under their scrutiny. Every time I had to talk in front of the class, I could always feel my ears turning red with heat- it was just unbearable to me at that time. Even during outside recess games, being "it" during Tag was like instant death to me because, then I was the center of attention, and not only that, everyone would always be running away from me in fear!
    So the main point I'm trying to get at is that, in terms of self-concept, I've always seen myself (my actual self) as a intensely shy, quiet bookworm who loves reading and writing, but hates public speaking and sometimes math too.  However, my ideal self, that I really wanted to be, was the "cool" girl who is comfortable with talking to anyone about anything and who can make friends with whomever she wants to because she's confident and comfortable with herself. But I've never really felt comfortable talking in public and I've always been hesitant to raise my hand in class, so it wasn't something that could be easily changed just because I wanted to become more outgoing, social, and comfortable at talking to others.  In addition, public media wasn't helping much either because as we all know from watching the popular movie "Pitch Perfect" (which I love as much as the next girl... but "aca-scuse" me, their portrayl of Asian girls is quite terrible! http://www.racialicious.com/2012/10/18/pitch-perfect-and-its-far-from-perfect-portrayal-of-asian-american-women/ ), apparently Asian girls either are super shy and talk so quietly you can never hear a word they say, or  hate all non-Asian people and only hang out with their Asian friends (neither of which is true). I feel that this movie - and other popular media that have portrayed Asian women as a) extremely quiet, b)unable to drive (which I personally disagree with because the GA DDS clearly supports us in the pictures they display on their pages: http://www.dds.ga.gov/teens/index.aspx) c)obsessed with Hello Kitty, d)able to make awesome egg rolls (I have no idea how to make one because my mother loves eating healthy so my family has never made anything deep fried including egg rolls) - are often negative because they cause our own reflected appraisals of ourselves (or looking-glass self, how we think others view us) to be distorted and skewed towards those Asian stereotypes that people often lump us into.
   So over course of my elementary, middle, and high school years, I have slowly tried to change that fear of public speaking.  Besides my irritation with my participation grades themselves, I could also see that having good public speaking skills and interpersonal communication skills was an ability that could greatly benefit me in any aspect of life as we are all social beings and communicate as such through our interactions- whether it be in work, relationships, or other aspects of life.
   Thus when I came to UGA, I made a resolution to myself: I would try to talk to at least one new person each day and speak up in a large class setting at least once to twice a week.  Although it was very difficult and sometimes painfully awkward for me in the beginning, as the weeks went along, I slowly found myself being able to better adapt to different personalities, classroom situations, and in general communicate to others with more fluidity and confidence in myself.  In fact, two months into this challenge, all my high school friends started leaving supportive comments to me about my change in behavior that they had noticed.  Because they knew how quiet I had be in the past, they could see the effort I was putting to improve my talking abilities, and how it was allowing me to become a lot more comfortable with putting myself out there, being the first to strike up a conversation, and making more connections in general.  They even started labeling me as a "social butterfly," which felt almost humorously ironic because I had been so quiet in my middle school and high school days.  Because of this challenge I set for myself, my confidence increased and has since allowed me to not only attain a position as an RHA representative on Myers Community Council, but to also become elected as President of Chinese Language Society this year and attain my RA position in Soule this year.  Thus I feel like the guidelines for improving self-concept in the textbook really resonated for me because  I first made a firm commitment to improving my public speaking and social skills, set realistic and fair goals to take steps towards improving these skills, and then had the supportive context of my friends cheering me on to help me improve my self-concept and be able to achieve my ideal self.